Piracy Rampant In Motor City Madness

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 47

Detroit Lions 7

As temperatures across Lake Saint Clair fell below freezing on Saturday afternoon a dark figure appeared on the horizon. As the lowly Detroit Lions played with their Christmas legos upon the shorelines they were faced with a catamaran not seen in over a decade. Looking to their parents for help, they were informed that the close contacts of COVID-19 contractors were unable to assist them with the onslaught heading their way. Attention then turned to their napping, hungover uncles for babysitting slash pillage-prevention assistance, unfortunately for the city of Detroit, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were taking no prisoners and tipping no wait staff. They raised a tattered Superbowl banner upon birthing the Michigan shoreline and were hoisting a shiny new playoff birth banner by sundown. With timbers left shimmering in Motown, questions will be raised for decades about how a seafaring ship came to sail upon the landlocked Great Lakes, but that is a question for another day.

Tom Brady looked like he was versing pre-teens all preoccupied with their parents recent divorce. To call the Lions defense soft is an understatement, a field-wide sieve with the mesh missing might be more appropriate to describe Detroit's pass defense on Saturday. Tampa scored touchdowns on seven of their opening eight possessions. Tom Brady played one half, racked up 348 yards and four touchdowns before heading to the sidelines to talk TB12 brand marketing for the second stanza. In the ultimate show of Detroit's vulnerability, Blaine Gabbert came in and scored easily on back to back possessions before Bruce Arians called it a night and ran the remaining quarter and a half off of the clock. The pirate boys could have hit seventy in this one and if not for some stray kicks would have themselves a 50-burger.

Detroit might have to burn down Ford Field to remove the dreadful memories of this blow out. Forget bury the ball, bury the ashes and build a memorial site above. Lions fans don't need this on their depressed supporters resume. Cut short their recognisable coaching staff due to COVID-19 restrictions, Detroit was playing from behind before opening kickoff. If not for a Jamal Agnew punt return touchdown this somehow could have been worse. In a night all too familiar to Michiganders, they will be looking to year 29 since their last playoff win, which judging by today might need a midlife crisis to come to an end.

With 491 total receiving yards in this game, Tampa Bay receivers were roaming open farmlands rather than an NFL regulation field, avoiding cow pies rather than defensive backs and practicing cursive for the record books rather looking at Detroit's defensive adjustments from the sidelines. Mike Evans had himself 181 yards and two touchdowns as well as the franchise records for touchdown receptions in a season. Likewise Tom Brady crossed out Jameis Winston's name and forged his own for the franchises most touchdown passes in a season which Buccaneers fans will be glad to see does not have 30 interceptions logged parallel in the record book.

The Matthew Stafford injury seems like cruel fate from the Football Gods. The lone bright spot of this team over the last decade plus, but much like the franchise, he just doesn't seem able to have nice things. Maybe a change of scenery on 2021 will be best for both parties, for Stafford a fresh start on a contender would do his resume a world of good, and for Detroit, another rebuild from the foundations up, maybe with new owners without dubious World War II ties in their back story, but that, dear reader, is also a tale for another day.

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- Chase Daniel is closing in on a seasons worth of throws over his 12 year career. He'll be icing that elbow and scrubbing extra hard in the showers today. He had more yardage today (86) then six of his previous eleven seasons. Best paid man in sports, bar few.

- Ryan Succop will be glad Tampa Bay has the recent history it does in the kicking department after a hiccup game today.

- Give Adrian Peterson the ball, development of youth is futile if All Day is wasting away riding the pine.