NFL Free Agency Winners and Losers

Each year sports writers world-wide prove that time makes a fool of us all. Whether it's a day three breakdown of the Draft -- where every fourth pick has future Pro-Bowl potential in the right system -- or Week Three takeaways from a 23 - 23 draw between two rudderless ships drifting onward to rocky coastline; any projection of player, coach, personnel or franchise will eventually be met with the inevitable, "well this aged well..", from the all knowing internet onlookers. No one is safe when hindsight is available; there was a reason JaMarcus Russell was the number one overall pick and a reason Tom Brady was the 199th.

With the being said, the following is the definitive list of Winners and Losers after Day Two of NFL Free Agency 2021...

Winners

Jaguars pre-September positive vibes

With the Jacksonville Jaguars signing a bevy of borderline to solid starters and special team stand outs in free agency, whilst inevitably selecting college wonder boy Trevor Lawrence with the first pick of the up-coming draft, spirits will no doubt be high with new head coach Urban Meyer spearheading a completely different Jaguars outfit in Duval County. Lock them in for a 10-6 at worst, right?

Unfortunately for some the reality of Week One of an NFL season hits harder than others, a rookie quarterback with a rookie head coach and no headline grabbing offensive weapons might turn positive vibes into dangerously negative energies. Enjoy the offseason and stock up on healing crystals, Jaguars fans, 2021 might be as bad as the last.

Boston real estate agents

Bill Belichick has uncharacteristically splurged to start free agency and the upper echelon of Boston real estate must be licking their heavily accented lips. To this point, with 12 players signing multi-million dollar contracts, local agents will be clamoring to find estates for the influx of millionaires to the area, whilst no doubt leaving several business cards scattered across properties for the inevitably sticky separations. Belichick doesn't hold on to declining assets very long and slick-haired, suit-wearing, stereotypical real estate agents will be waiting for that, too.

New Orleans cardiologists

After four consecutive years of Superbowl aspirations and four consecutive years of playoff heartbreak, the New Orleans Saints can finally lower their expectations -- and heart rates -- with the retirement of Drew Brees. Still pound for pound one of the best rosters in football, and a history of winning games in recent years with Brees out of the line-up, no one is expecting these Saints to hoist the Lombardi in February 2022 with Jameis Winston or Taysom Hill quarterbacking the Holiest of franchises. Lower your scalpels Big Easy heart surgeons, you can now sleep in Monday mornings with the knowledge that the biggest global health crisis in a century is all that will worry you.

Ryan Pace naysayers

Until Chicago signs a quarterback with Tom Brady's resume, Ryan Pace will be the subject of journalistic hit pieces and social media jabs until he's either kicked to the unemployment curb or proven the front office saviour Chicago has been looking for since 1986. Now, those two options aren't exactly weighing in at a 50/50 likelihood, but stranger things have happened... (Mitch Trubisky being named to the Pro-Bowl being one).

The signing of Andy Dalton to compete with Nick Foles for the starting job is somewhere between unsatisfying and downright passable. After reportedly throwing the kitchen sink at the Seahawks for Russell Wilson, the Bears took what they could get. For Pace, drafting a quarterback in the early rounds will be essential in keeping his job in the Windy City past next January. Until then, Pace needs to stay offline and start compiling his list of kickers to compete is this years Double-Doink-Duke-Out.

Losers

NFL talking heads looking to avoid Aaron Hernandez's existence

Ah yes, the joy we all experience when a running back breaks one of O.J. Simpson's records mid-game is a rarity finer than striking oil in your own backyard. The lead commentator gingerly announces the accomplishment while the colour-man avoids the longest running news item of the 90's in its entirety, quickly followed by congratulations and a oh-lord-please-move-on awkward silence.

Heavens to Murgatroyd, how we can double-down now that Hunter Henry has joined Jonnu Smith on the New England Patriots and think-pieces of Gronkowski - Hernandez similarities are coming thick and fast. 2021 will see television executives writing Sunday morning emails to network commentators reminding them to quieten down on the former Patriots tight end's off field exploits.

Nick Sirianni

Given a team that immediately shipped out its best quarterback since Donovan McNabb, that is also in salary cap hell and seems to have an exodus of talent on its hands, Nick Sirianni is in for a hell of a start in Philadelphia. To date, no free agents of note have signed with the Eagles. Assuming Doug Pederson was incorrect in testing Nate Sudfeld's franchise quarterbacking abilities, Jalen Hurts will be thrust back into the starting job with four so-so starts to his name late last season.

With aging but incredible offensive and defensive lines, when healthy, the Eagles have holes littered throughout the rest of the roster. After coming off a seemingly worst case scenario 4-11-1 record and complete team reset, outside of Howie Roseman, Nick Sirianni will have his hands full trying to get the Eagles back into playoff contention. He can sleep easy knowing Philadelphia sports fans have not (insert egregious Philadelphia sports fan moment here) for several years/weeks/days.

Derek Carr

Held hostage by his neighbour, Jon Gruden, Derek Carr has been dangled as trade bait since Gruden's arrival in 2018. Now seeing his largest friends in Gabe Jackson, Rodney Hudson, Richie Incognito and Trent Brown leave town in the previous weeks, it smells like the rare same-coach-and-general-manager rebuild. With Gruden locked in for another seven years, somehow, and Mike Mayock in temporary lockstep, Derek Carr will have to do a lot more with less to see his Raiders in the playoffs again. If everything does go to plan he can sit on the sideline again as his back-up sends the black and silver home in hopeless fashion.

Salary Cap Reporting

In a downward spiral for several years now, the reporting of player contracts is effectively a length in years that will not be reached and an amount of money that will not be paid. Taysom Hill's four year $140 million contract is the head monarch of pie-in-the-sky contracts. If he were to receive a third of that $140 million New Orleans might sink into the Gulf Of Mexico as the collective weight of tears and alcohol consumption send the city asunder. As an unpaid internet exercise blogger I think I am in the position to say, send the fans the rest of this fictional money and we'll pretend these numbers mean anything going forward.