New England Returns To Normality As Rams Finally Say 'Jumanji'

Los Angeles Rams 24

New England Patriots 3

Elephants have stopped strolling aimlessly through suburban streets, monkeys have ceased commandeering police vehicles for non-police business and the New England Patriots no longer reign supreme over the gridiron universe. Not quite the same as a Superbowl LIII victory, but being able to play the part of Alan Parrish and finally say, 'Jumanji' to the New England Patriots is a task none have been gifted before. No more mosquitoes breaking though windshields or rhinoceros' stampeding down hallways with reckless abandon and downright disdain for the credenza, no, the days of the Patriots running rampant through the NFL seem to be behind us. For the first time since My Big Fat Greek Wedding was misinforming the general public about Hellenic Windex usage (2002), New England will not win 10 games in a season and likely miss the playoffs for the first time since 2008. As areas outside of greater Boston celebrate big game hunter Van Pelt being sucked back into the board-game, there is an unpleasant feeling they'll be back sooner then you think.

Running the ball through the heart of the defense seems like so much more of a personal way to deliver a message. Not bothering to pick apart the Patriots through the air, the Rams went to the ground early and with concerning success. Cam Akers ended the first quarter with 9 rushes for 84 yards as he ran through gaping holes and finished runs with churning legs and fell forward on every chance he got. Up 10 - 0 at that point, the Rams had a lead they would not surrender for the duration. Ending the game with 171 yards on 29 attempts, Akers is a shoe-in to be the feature back in LA until further notice. With Darrell Henderson Jr. in Sean McVay's pocket, a rejuvenated offensive line and a bevy of wide receiver sweeps and screens up his sleeve, there should be a sense of relief in Inglewood that the Rams no longer live and die on the arm of Jared Goff.

Speaking of the solar luminary, Jared Goff's questionable persona made an appearance tonight, throwing for 5.5 yards per attempts on 16 of 25 for 137 yards, he seemed more like the introvert at the party, hiding in the corner triple checking his shoelaces are tied appropriately, rather then the social maven he teased us as in his 2018 pro-bowl season. While not the reason the Rams won tonight, he didn't throw the game away either. It's telling that Troy Aikman noted Goff's best play of the night was taking a sack on 1st and 15 rather than try and force a 50/50 ball into coverage. Baby steps for the baby-faced man, at least it's in the right direction (East).

Cam Newton and the Patriots offense looked anemic for the majority. Starting with two three-and-outs and followed by a crippling pick six, the Pats were down 17 - 0 with only one first down to their name. Unable to lean on their rushing attack they were forced to claw their way back in the passing game, a method this outfit is not built around. Giving up no sacks in the first half, the Rams broke the door down early in the second, getting to Newton and his replacement six times by the final horn. Aaron Donald's ability to affect plays and not show up in the box score is exceptional, his one and a half sacks and two quarterback hits were only part of the torment he was able to inflict upon the Patriots, changing their play scripts and forcing New England punter Jake Bailey to earn his pay cheque on Thursday Night Football.

With the Rams a half game up and tiebreaker ahead of the Seahawks, they are in prime position for an NFC West title with three games left to play including a week 16 showdown with said 'Hawks that will likely determine the division. The Patriots have a much rougher path to post season relevancy, with three games left they need to win out and get some help along the way, needing to leapfrog three teams with better records currently ahead of them. But with those three games against their division rivals, if there was a more Patriots way to start the most improbably Superbowl run of their franchise, it would be by sweeping the division to close out the year and watch the Red Sea part as hooded Moses passes faltering nemeses and further ascend towards football mortality. Hopefully the football gods don't read their predecessors fan fiction.

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- In the Jumanji equation the Browns are unfortunately Carl Bentley, the man Alan gets fired from his fathers shoe factory after he designs and handcrafts Charles Barkley's future signature shoe before Alan tears them to shreds. At least he has 26 years of solace before Alan is back jacking his life up again.