Eagles Pour Own Cement Shoes

Washington Football Team 20

Philadelphia Eagles 14

Much like some 1930 New York mobsters, the Philadelphia Eagles knew their time was up. They'd gone too far and upset the wrong people in a year that would end in only one result, a dead-end season. How they got there tonight was a whole new lesson in gangland co-operation. Not taken out quietly in the night against their will, oh heavens no, the Eagles instead organised their own demise. They scheduled an appropriate time with their rival family, the Washington Football Team, offered to bring the necessary tools and equipment themselves and end it all in undramatic fashion. Meeting at JFK Memorial Bridge before midnight Philadelphia poured cement into a wide bucket, added one part water and two parts feet. Chatting for an hour or so about stereotypical Italian-American cuisines, the two nemesis shook hands and headed their separate ways, one back in their car onto greater things and the other into the cold, polluted water below. Some say the departed will haunt bridge-goers on cold and dreary nights forevermore, others say their own memories of this night are haunting enough.

The Washington Football Team was able to scrape away a six point victory against an injury ravaged Philadelphia Eagles outfit resting nine starters from the coin toss and another key starter by the final quarter. Doug Peterson mentioned during the week he wanted to see what he had in his quarterback room, but rather then play through the fourth start of promising second round rookie Jalen Hurts, he chose to bless the world with a viewing of fifth year journeyman, Nate Sudfeld. Sudfeld started out with an interception on his second throw, which was more reminiscent of a punt then a deep shot, and followed that up by fumbling a shotgun snap and choosing to get extra yardage rather then jump on the ball resulting in another turnover. Sudfeld took the following snap out of shotgun bracing for the ball like he was about to fire an actual shotgun with a shoulder that pops out of its socket at the drop of a hat. Pure chaos when next years starting quarterback in looking on from the sidelines with a three point deficit staring them in the face.

Football Team did what they needed to and nothing more. Absent and explosive offense they struggled to move the ball, turned said ball over and threw in a few fumbles they recovered themselves for good measure. All they needed to do was accept the gifts the Eagles were parting ways with and don't fall down the stairs on the way to the lobby, deciding to run downstairs barefoot while dropping their fresh banana peel collection in front of them, Football Team should be thankful they won this contest in the end. For their efforts Washington are blessed with a meeting with Tampa Bay next week and a quarterback with some playoff credits to his name. Hopefully for the Football Team Tom Brady isn't resting by the fourth quarter, because it won't be for getting a look in at Ryan Griffin before the season ends.

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- Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth did well not to mention the word 'tanking' during the broadcast, the same can't be said for mentioning Washington's former team name.

- Marcus Epps interception looked more like a Madden glitch rather then a real life humanoid play.

- The Sudfeld trial and tank-job is objectively the funniest ending to this regular season possible, unfortunately this humanoid is too invested in implications of this result to see it at the moment.